It’s true. I’m alive. I’m here. I live, breathe, feel.
I exist. I’m part of the world. I’m not here for you to ignore. Forget. Lie about. I exist.
I didn’t chose to exist. But I do.
Instead I decided to live openly and honestly.
If you don’t like me, if you think I’m weird, or silly, or too intense, or lazy or whatever. I can’t help you. I tried for long enough to be what other people wanted me to be. To make them comfortable with it. I don’t need that. I need to be the one to be comfortable. If I have a problem with me, then it’s up to me to deal with it.
I don’t fix your problems. I don’t create your problems. Despite what you may think.
I know what’s wrong with me, my biggest downfall. I love. That’s it. I love. That makes everyone uncomfortable, because they worry I don’t love them or they lose my love or they what? I don’t know. I hate this feeling.
I was way too sad about leaving my friends and New Orleans, I couldn’t go to sleep before I left. So I stayed up drinking and talking. Not only was I drunk when I got to the airport, I also realized I had 3 Vicodin in my bag, so I had to eat them before I went through security. Probably the best time I ever had waiting to get on a plane, and the flight itself as well. Mostly I just had to keep myself awake before I could get onto the plane. Of course, a man sits on the same bench as me and starts wiggling his leg. I ask him if he’s nervous or something? I ask him to stop because I’m delirious from lack of sleep. I realize a few things I really enjoy in life are take-off and landing. There was another one I thought of but I can’t remember it right now. Once I had watched the take off and the amazing cloud world we ended up into, I finally dozed off for a bit.
Miami Airport is an insane mess. I hate it, I’m still sleep deprived, and drugged. I can’t find my way out. The transportation officer was super nice and helpful. I finally make it to the train, and eventually my parents house. We had about a years worth of catching up to do. Plenty of family drama to let me in on. It’s about the only time I want to hear from them about it.
I was thinking a lot about this trip. Before I left, it was just the fear, and the excitement. Something really strange I was thinking about is that Jordan has already been on the sailboat coming out this way for over a week. It took me one and a half hours to fly somewhere he won’t even be at for another week of sailing. He thought I was making fun of how slow it is, but really I was only noticing the difference in your perception of time and distance. I found out today that my brother Matt is moving to Bali tomorrow. That’s far in pretty much anybody’s book.
I was so happy to know how much love I have from my friends in New Orleans. I’m going to miss them tremendously. And so my journey begins- I got several magical items that may come in handy along the way.
From Pasta, a 200 hour flashlight/ blue glow stick/flasher/whistle(yes, all in one!) From Dustin an ocarina he’s had for 15 years (can use it to call the Wind, etc). From Kim, a tiny bottle of fragrance to evoke memories and comfort during hard times. From Lawrence, a silver cigarette case.
Oh yeah, and how come you never realize how many people have a crush on you until you’re leaving?!