I Don’t Know How To Be Here

I haven’t written anything in awhile and that’s because I was happy. I was living in the moment as much as I could and I was going around having new experiences. I was too busy trying to survive to care about much of anything else. Then again I was also really living in my opinion. I was enjoying the world from a new perspective, and now that I’m back in New Orleans, the past two weeks—I just don’t know what to do with myself.

I thought I was going to get a job but the more I think about that the more I think I would get trapped inside of it. I never know when the right time to leave is—actually I do but I just don’t listen. I have said this before, I feel the conflict inside of myself, it’s telling me “get out now” but I don’t want to be rude, I don’t want people to be offended as to why I’m leaving so soon out of the blue. To me it is just simply time to go, but that’s because I can’t be comfortable in some kinds of energy.

Today I had decided (since last night) that I would start this day with the conscious decision not to smoke weed anymore, not to smoke cigarettes anymore, or drink anymore, or eat anymore sugar. That’s right, I am going to quite smoking Marijuana. I thought it would be impossible and I thought that it’s something I would never do, nor want to do, but I think it’s right for me to do that. The other things I have quit before and I can do it again. But smoking weed has helped me a lot and quitting it at some stage I think would have been detrimental to me, because I never would have survived those periods of time without the lift, the thirst, the hunger and the distraction I got from being high.

My own personal reason for wanting to quit again with everything is to get an understanding, a baseline for where I am now. When I quit everything before, I was experiencing heavy mood swings, the inability to sleep, and difficulty in remembering to drink water or to feel hungry. I know that I’m not ordinary or regular or normal.

I know that I have very different standards and desires than the average American. The more I see this election cycle, the more horrified I am at the disconnect between people. All that politics does is divide people in ways they don’t really even understand.

I felt a kinship with the people I met when I was traveling. I suppose we have to be a similar kind of person to seek out that kind of life. But now that I’m back in a house, weighed down by possessions, and confused about my place in this city.

Something I noticed when I emerged from the desert, was that cities are all about rules. As an Aquarius, I have always taken rules as suggestions and definitely things that are to be broken. Sometimes a rule is good, and it is helpful. It creates a boundary that keeps humans from being hurt. But what is a rule that doesn’t protect anyone? What is a rule that actively oppresses the existence of others just because they are poor, or nomadic, or choose to live outside?

Have you ever thought about what it must be like to be born and to know that you don’t fit into this world? To have your dream of living the life you want crushed and thwarted at every turn?

My own mother, while I was on the road said to me “nothing wrong with living your life but in not such a nomadic way.” What I would like to know, is why is it so bad to be nomadic? What is so wrong with wanting to make your home where you are, and let your heart or opportunity lead the way?

My father’s mother, Laurie Holtz, she said “Cover the Earth before it covers you.” Ever since I heard my Aunt Betty tell me that, I knew it was what I wanted to do. Each day that I’m not moving, that I’m not exploring something new, is a day that I’m at odds with myself. Each day that I don’t nurture a sense of adventure and exploration, is a day I have let myself slip into a holding pattern. It’s not to say that is a bad thing.

Sometimes I have to go somewhere to recharge, and to remember why I was moving around to begin with. Why is it that I’m so restless? This is a question I have to ask myself, but living in New Orleans, I spent so much time here feeling placated by the sheer number of travelers passing through here. I could scratch my itch without actually going anywhere. The perfect answer for someone as I was then. It became my focus to put down roots, to build a home that was also a house, a place I could come back to and lay my head. A place that would always draw me back, and let me rest, if that’s what I wanted.

Now that I’m back here and resting, I feel tremendously guilty. I want to act like the people in the city act, that they have jobs and hobbies, they seem to have a more predetermined existence. Some people say that the jobs help them, it gives them structure in their lives. I certainly am intrigued by this, but equally if not more so repelled by it.

I don’t want my time to be used up for someone else. Anything that you must do can become a struggle to find motivation or energy for. Even something you love. Just ask the people who made it big, who wanted their whole life to be a famous musician and then got their dream. If you have to do something for someone else, and not for you anymore—that will kill your spirit.

Just being in the city is killing my spirit. Maybe I should get a job? So other people can dictate how I spend my time, and judge me for my quality of work, and not pay me enough money to survive on. Maybe I should just keep buying into the same miserable dream everyone has, and keep grinding away in the same drudging fashion I’ve noticed my peers have when they must scrape themselves away from friends to go “make that paper.”

Am I saying that you should quit your job and run away and become a nomad like me? Yes, well, I can dream, can’t I? A traveling tribe of people who all work to help each other survive? That live in accordance with nature, on the earth? It was a lifelong dream and I didn’t even know it existed until I cancelled my return ticket that day and made a decision to go on a journey.

I’m back in New Orleans, but that journey hasn’t ended. I have only just begun to accept who I am, and the life that I want. I won’t let your judgement of it take that away. I won’t let the rules and regulations of your governments take that away. I recognize the sovereignty of each individual person. International and internal borders are meaningless to me. They are a joke, and I will dance over the entire earth before I die.

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